In my role as a coach and mentor for single sisters over 30 a word I hear a lot is “rejection”. It’s a very loaded word that is heavy with all kinds of connotations and can seriously impact the success of your journey to marriage. Today I want to take the concept of rejection apart and reframe it so that it no longer stands in your way.

There’s an awful pattern in our ummah whereby as a single sister gets older she seems to attract less matches. Men with fears that their prized sperm will never find a ripe egg turn her sway in favour of women ten years younger than them or more because they see women as breeding cattle. Mothers and aunties are reluctant to consider you as a potential for their precious sons because, as someone’s mother once said in relation to me “she is old and will get fat and ugly really quickly” . I mean I’m not sure in what universe men age backwards, grow more hair and become less saggy as they get older but apparently, according to some men and their mothers,  that’s a thing.

As time goes on and sisters face such assumptions on an almost weekly basis the idea of rejection becomes ingrained in her heart.

Rejection is by nature a negative word and only serves to cast a shadow over your efforts in your marriage search. You’re trying your best and when things are not working out for you it’s easy to look inwards rather than outwards.

Recently a sister messaged me and said “I feel so low, I swiped right on a guy on the app but he rejected me”. When I asked for details as to exactly what happened it turns out he had simply not responded to her swipe even though he had seen her profile. Is this enough to call the experience rejection? 

Here are 4 of the ways sisters see and feel rejection in their journey

1. Honesty: The act of someone you are meeting for marriage telling you that you are not a suitable match. He may give a reason , he may not but he is telling you that it stops here.
   

2. Inaction. Men who don’t do anything and remain like a statue in a relationship until you’re forced to walk away believing that you're not worth the effort 

3. Non reactive men. Nothing ever happens as such. It could simply be that you nudged him or messaged him online and he saw your profile and didn’t respond. Perhaps a match from a matchmaker failed to make contact or turned down the match.

4. Ghosting. Where someone simply stops communicating. It happens so suddenly , there’s no warning and no explanation. You cannot fail to feel shunned.

Yes these experiences can make you feel disappointed, can affect your self esteem and can cause you to question your worth. But the moment you attach the word rejection to it you are giving it more importance than it deserves.

“He rejected me” becomes “I am a reject” which becomes “no one loves me” and this is the energy you will bring to each new match. It’s like carrying a pile of bricks around on your head. By the time you meet the next match you are going to be exhausted and depleted.

As they say, attention goes where energy flows. 

If you are only  focusing on rejection and hoping to not be rejected then you are reducing your journey to marriage to a basic game of yes and no. Rejected = no = still single vs not rejected = yes = married. 

Your experience of the match becomes all about “does he like me?” rather than “do I like him?”. It becomes about “does he want to marry me?” rather than “do I want to marry him?” Your whole journey becomes like a lottery game whereby you either win or you don’t win. 

From today I want you to step away from and reframe the concept of rejection in your marriage search. 

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  If he says he is not interested in pursuing the match any further you simply say to yourself “it’s important that everyone finds their right match. He has been guided to step away from this match because Allah swt has meant someone else for each of us, not because there is something wrong with me”

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  If he ghosts you or didn’t  have the decency to let you know why he stepped away then you simply say to yourself “I have been saved from a man who did not value me and I was mistaken in his character”.

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  If he sees your profile online and does not engage with you or respond to your message simply say to yourself “he has a right not to engage with me the same way I have a right to not engage with matches I do feel are suitable. It’s not a reflection on me. It’s part of the online process”

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  If a proposal is brought to your home and the brother does not want to pursue the match simply say to yourself “Allah swt in His wisdom has kept someone more suitable”.

  
  

It’s not about gaslighting yourself or suppressing your feelings.  It’s ok to feel sad or disappointed when a match doesn’t work out. What isn’t OK  is to beat yourself up and label yourself as a reject or rejected. I know it can feel  like “why am I never good enough for anyone?” and “what’s wrong with me?” but their actions and reactions are totally subjective. Tomorrow you may say no to a match that another lady says yes to. The same way a man may say no to a match with you while another man will feel like he’s hit the jackpot when he meets you!

We can’t control how others act, react or even perceive us. Everyone sees the world through their own reflection and it’s not your job to make every match you meet like you. Your job is to be your authentic self, let your values shine through and trust that there is someone out there looking for  someone exactly like you.

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