There’s a man in your life you need to get rid of sister. I know who he is.

He’s that man who was “perfect” for you but it never reached marriage stage. Maybe he wasn’t ready for marriage, maybe his family didn’t approve of you or maybe he just wasn’t that into you as you were into him. Yet still he’s a permanent feature in your life.

Whoever he was, he needs to be deleted from your life and phone forever. Here’s why….

Somewhere along the lines in your search for the ideal match you met a guy. Things blossomed between you, he made your heart flutter with his messages, you felt butterflies whenever his name flashed up on your phone and when you talked you felt like there was no other man in the world quite like him. He ticked all the boxes. He was the one.

Except he wasn’t.

He had the opportunity to marry you (after all you connected for marriage purposes) but he didn’t step up and commit. He said something along the lines of “you’re perfect for me but I just can’t marry you because (insert excuse here)”. Or maybe it was a case of “you’re really lovely and sweet I just don’t feel that spark, I really wish I did”. Or he could even have convinced you that now was not the right time because (insert sob story here)” to the point where you actually felt sorry for him and he convinced you he was a victim of circumstances rather than admit that he didn’t want to step up to commitment.

So now you’ve built up this sort of sad, tale-of-woe type relationship with him where you feel hard done by, like life has dealt you a cruel blow and you just have to deal with it because this is man you’re intended to be forever connected to and you just have to endure this drama-infested relationship with him because..well...that’s just how it is. Without realising you’ve made yourself the central character in a needless tragedy.

Let’s remove the tragedy spectacles for a second here and see this for what’s really going on.

This man, right now, is enjoying the perks of being in a relationship with you without actually doing anything to deserve it. He’s getting all the good stuff, the best of you. He gets your support, a kind understanding ear, the stimulating conversation, the banter, the flirtation, the ego boost and often your actual physical company - i.e. everything a husband should get - without committing to you.

But what’s in it for you?

I know only too well the benefits of hanging onto a man like that. You get to feel the flutter of excitement each time his name appears next to the little Whatsapp icon, you feel cherished and appreciated when he comes to you with his problems and you feel the warmth of companionship when you are in his company. Seems like a win win right?

But it isn’t. It’s just a short term fix. The only person winning here is him.

As long as you are stuck in this limbo you are having your heart broken each time you realise you can never be with him. It’s like having everything you want but also having nothing you want at the same time. As long as you are serving him as some kind of proxy wife, your own dreams of a halal marriage, spiritual growth, companionship and intimacy are being put on hold.

You may think that you’re in control of the situation. That perhaps with the right plan in place and the passing of time that eventually he will move past whatever is stopping him from committing to you. Or that as soon as the “right man” comes along you will cut the strings with this man. But the truth his that whilst this man is in your life you will never be in a place to recognise or receive the right man for you.

Despite his refusal to commit to you,  you will always use this man as a kind of benchmark for all the other men you meet because, after all, this guy was the closest you feel you’ve ever come to marriage and if you can just meet one more guy like him, this time you might be able to “get it right”. What you’re actually doing is pushing away all the potentially great matches because they are not like your guy and to start all over again with someone new and different feels like hard work, especially when you already have someone you feel you know pretty well.

However, unlike this man you’ve been holding onto, there are men out there who are genuinely decent, serious about marriage and sincere about completing half their deen. But as long as you view them through the foggy windscreen of the other guy you will never perceive the good in them.

If this man is so detrimental to your long term happiness, why then is it so difficult to let go?

It’s so easy to hold on sister, I know it is. If you let this guy go what’s left? He may not be the right man for you but at least he’s a man in your life right? The fear is that if you let him go, you will have to face the void where it feels like there’s no one out there for you and no hope. Where you will be forced to stare at a dormant messageless phone and put yourself back out there and risk things like rejection, incompatibility and, the worst prospect of all, starting again at ”square one” with someone.

Right now sisters, there’s a huge gap between what you have and what you want. What you want is a halal marriage, a companion a best friend, a soulmate,intimacy and adventure. What you have is a man who is drip-feeding you an illusion of all this. But sometimes it’s easier to hold on to what we have as at least we have it right? But in order to get what you want you need to make that leap across the gap and you can’t do that with this guy dragging you down like that battered old suitcase your parents used to keep on top of the wardrobe. 

That gap, that jump, that leap is scary!

What if what you want isn’t waiting for you right away on the other side? It might be there, it might be there a bit later on. There’s no guarantee but at least there’s a chance. But whilst you’re holding onto this man right now, there’s no chance.

In my role as a singles empowerment coach for Muslim women,  I’ve worked with countless women towards helping them take that leap of faith. I’ve stood by them through the heartache,  the tears and the temptation to just “send him a quick text”. I’ve given these ladies the safety net they need to take a step back and focus back on themselves again so that they feel in control, brave and optimistic enough to move onto better things, no matter how scary it feels.

I guarantee you sister that years from now you will be able to look back on this man and cringe and think “what was I thinking??”. All you need to do is make that move towards detoxing that man out of your life forever….

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