In this article I want to explore some of the worst advice people can give you as a single Muslim woman over 30 and why you need to totally ignore it

Now before we start I just want to take a minute to say that these people often have really good intentions. They genuinely want to help you and support you. Their objective is not to lead you in the wrong direction. But unless they have been in your shoes they do  not necessarily know what’s going to work.

So let’s dive in ….

1. Take the bull By The Horns and ask him out

Imagine you’ve been chatting in the virtual world to a guy for  a little while. It’s going well and maybe you’ve even spoken on the phone. So why is he not arranging to meet you? As a woman  you have enough to juggle already and you don’t need to add the role of  “CEO of the relationship”  to your basket. As a woman you do need to let him know that you are interested to meet in person. However he needs to be the one to step up, ask to meet you and make a plan. If he can’t do that much as a man then how committed is he to getting married?

2. Wait (x number) days to text back so you make him miss you and keep him on his toes!" ...because we all know how good it feels to have someone ignore you for days right?

No no and no. I don’t know why people think this is a thing. Yes maybe if you were dating and just wanted to play games and have a fling. But you’re both in this for halal marriage. There is no room for silly games.Think how it feels when a guy ignores you for a few days. It causes untold anxiety and makes him seem unreliable. It works the other way too. You risk losing the sincere and honest guy because you want to follow the rules from an antiquated  dating manual

3. "Make him a bit jealous so he will step up his game" ...because who doesn't want a crazy jealous husband?

   Why would you do that?  Do you want to marry a jealous man? If you feel you need to make him jealous to get his attention it  suggests that he's not as fully committed to getting married as you are . If you feel a man needs to show jealousy in order for you to feel like he is interested in you then it implies  or that you are not fully confident about yourself as a potential spouse just as you are. I know it’s tempting especially when he seems distant or seems to be losing interest but you don’t need to play games to reel him back in. You are enough as you are.

4. Play hard to get so he chases you

Why would you want him to chase you? It sounds predatory and threatening. I certainly believe that when getting to know someone the guy needs to step up and do certain things like arranging to meet and talking to your  guardians. These are important steps that indicate he is ready and committed to getting married. But his job is not is not to chase you or show you that he will go to the ends of the earth for you. We respect our brothers too much to do this to them. Some guys like the chase but usually that’s all they like. A genuine, decent hardworking Muslim man does not have the energy to  be chasing you.

5. Treat him mean keep him keen ...whilst also destroying the self esteem of a potentially genuine & sincere man

In my single days I read a lot of awful dating manuals. There was nothing out there that really tied in with my values as a Muslim woman. I just wanted someone to show me how to keep a guy interested enough to marry me. In hindsight I realise now that this was the wrong approach (see blog) .  But I still understand that sense of feeling lost and not understanding what I was supposed to be doing to get a man to marry me. So many of these dating guides suggested being aloof, cold and often unkind to keep the man on his toes. Why on earth would we treat decent, respectable God fearing brothers like that? They deserve better,so do you. This is not in alignment without values as Muslims. Simply treat each other with respect.

6. Lay out all of your expectations on the first date

Whilst I agree it’s important that he knows from the start that you are looking for marriage I’ve heard some awful advice out there about laying down exactly what you expect, what you want and what he should do. What about his expectations? It’s important to be able to show someone how you wish to be treated. This is something I teach inside Get Married Over 30 and is an essential skill. But to use your first meeting to reel off a list of rules is unfair. He is just as anxious and he also has his own set of expectations. Instead use your time together to connect as humans and set your boundaries as you go along. 

7. Just stop looking and you will meet someone

I find this one really odd but at the same time there is something we can take from it. You can’t expect your soulmate to fall into your lap the same way you can’t expect your dream job or a million dollars  to drop into your lap!  But does that mean you need to be constantly searching and looking all the time? Absolutely not. It will only cause you to burn out. The trick is allocating your marriage search an appropriate amount of energy and time and removing it from the centre of your life. I think the wisdom behind this advice is to return to a state of simply reconnecting with yourself, your values and the things you love. In doing so you're more likely to attract someone who will accept you for who you are.

A beautiful, healthy and halal marriage is not born out of games. It’s a product of two people who wish to get married and  to please their Lord, coming together to find out if they are a good match for this purpose.  You don’t not need games, tricks or manipulative strategies to ensnare a man. You are much better than that. You are enough as you are. Remain mindful in your interactions, be guided by Allah swt and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there knowing that you are in pursuit of something halal

Ready to hear the stuff that actually works and gets your closwer to marriage quicker?

Click here to join Get Married Over 30 - 60% off your first monty (*cancel anytime)