Today I am going to ruffle some feathers and probably earn myself a few unsubscribers but there’s a topic I’ve been wanting to talk about for a long time and that is our fixation on certain non-negotiables on the checklist when searching for a spouse.

I sister one reached out to me and said...

I am starting to despair of ever meeting the right man. Sometimes I meet guys who are really nice and we get on well but then they are missing certain things from my checklist. Other times I encounter guys who meet my criteria but  there’s no spark and attraction. How hard is it to find someone who has the things I am looking for and where there is also attraction and spark? I am 35 and I haven’t waited this long to just settle for anyone but sometimes it feels like the men I like and who meet my standards do not like me.

This mindset is often the biggest thing holding sisters back and the hurdle that,once you can overcome, will lead you to marriage quicker than you can imagine.

Every sister I have worked with who has gone on to get married has said the same thing to me “he isn’t anything like the person I thought I’d marry”. He’s usually better! My clients who are now married also tell me how they look back on a lot of things on their checklist and cringe. I’m not suggesting that when you get married you suddenly achieve a new level of wisdom but you do see the reality of marriage and how a lot of things you thought would ensure a happy marriage actually mean very little. 

Here are the top 3 requirements I see people - both men and women - citing as their “non-negotiables” and why they are holding you back from truly connecting with your soulmate.

1. Education  This is a key one. In this day and age university education should no longer be seen as a status symbol nor as an indicator of a successful person. Yes it takes tenacity to complete a degree and when it comes to medical degrees you guys are truly heroes. But what does a university education actually bring of value to the lifespan of  a marriage? 

Some argue that they want a spouse who can earn good money but hopefully we know now that sadly a degree does not always guarantee a well-paid job. Others argue that a university educated spouse is intelligent but I bet you anything you can name at least three men you’ve met who have been to university who were either boring, narrow minded or impolite.  As someone who has three university degrees herself I am no way saying that all graduates are douches! I just mean that we shouldn't equate a degree with goodness of character, especially not the type of goodness that sustains a marriage. 

I once had a very frustrating conversation with a friend who had been ghosted by a man who was a doctor. Not only that, his father was an engineer and his brother was a surgeon. She couldn’t believe that an educated man from such an educated family would behave that way nor could she fathom that she, as an educated woman, would be treated like that. The problem is she was ascribing virtue to education and if you feel that way then you’re in for a rude awakening. 

When looking for intelligence, look at how you interact with each other, what his life experiences are, where he has been, what he has done and how well you understand each other. Book smart does not equal a happy  marriage!

You don’t need a guy with the same qualifications as you in order to ensure he is your equal. Your equal is the man who puts in as much love, effort and energy into making you happy as you do for him. 

2. Income    A woman no longer  marries simply  for financial stability after leaving her father’s house. Sisters you guys are kicking out there in the world of work. You are buying your own houses, cars , holidays, jewellery and supporting your loved ones. But very often this makes a lady want someone who is her financial “equal”. I get it, after  all you want someone who you feel is bringing as much to the table as you are. But here’s a truthbomb about that table. It’s not guaranteed for life. 

Of course you'd like a spouse who can provide and tis is definitely something to consider. however you should also bear in mind that income is not linear in growth. What you earn today you may not earn tomorrow as I found out when I had to leave a lucrative salary due to sudden  illness. The same goes for your spouse. What he earns today may not be what he earns tomorrow. Over the lifespan of a marriage - think 50 or 60 years - your fortunes are going to go up and down. Just look at how lives were  turned upside down in 2020 during the pandemic. People lost steady jobs, businesses went bust and families had to rely on food banks.  That's why it’s vital for you to put character before income. 

It’s not about both of you bringing home the same amount of money. It's about how you both support each other . Rather than look at how much he earns instead ask yourself whether he is sensible with money. Can he save and invest or does he squander it all immediately? Are you both prepared to support each other during those times when life and reality hit and money becomes scarce? There is no such thing as  “what’s his is mine, what’s mine is my own”. You’re a team and  a partnership. There’s no mine and yours, only ours.   

3. Profession   Certain communities are still hellbent on their child marrying a doctor, lawyer or engineer. If this is the case then it indicates you are marrying for status and the illusion of social equality before anything else if this is what you are looking at before you look at a person’s character.  In this day and age where divorce rates are high you need to ask yourself what value is this person’s professional status bringing to your marriage and why is that so important? Financial stability is important but employment is not always stable. 

What if later down the line your spouse wants to retrain as something completely different? Would you support him or freak out because he will no longer be what you married?

In the area of London where I live it is not uncommon to meet a refugee who is a highly qualified professional in their home country cleaning the streets to survive here in the UK. Does that suddenly make them a lesser spouse? No it doesn’t. What counts is the work ethic of your spouse. A hardworking, enterprising and ambitious spouse goes a long way in the lifespan of a marriage.

I find so many sisters stuck in a loop of unsuccessful matches simply because they are looking for the same type of man every time.

I know a lot of sisters feel like they have worked hard in life to achieve certain goals and a particular standard of living and feel like they need to marry someone who is the same as them in order to be worthy of them. What doesn’t  help too are families who are quick to reject proposals because they feel they are not at the same “level” as their daughter. What happens then is that sisters look for potential spouses based on a ticklist first then hope his character is good, his intentions are sincere and that they click and connect.

His character and intentions should always come first. The rest comes after. Sister your “equal” in marriage means a man who is equally committed to you - as you are to him -  to loving you, caring for you, providing for you - whatever his income -  to helping you grow in your deen, to supporting your goals and celebrating your achievements and to taking care of you. That is your equal.

Inside my programme Get Married Over 30 we work through the idea of “variables and constants” and where to focus your energy and efforts when deciding if a match is right for you. 

Remember the humblest and most excellent of men in our faith could neither read nor write yet he brought Islam to the world and is renowned as one of the greatest leaders of all time. A woman saw in him his goodness, his excellent qualities and beautiful values  realised that she could find happiness with a man just like this .

I pray that you find the spouse who loves you as much as you love him!

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