Ask any sister who’s been trying for a while to meet and marry the right spouse and she will tell you that she is ready to start the next chapter with the soulmate, her friend, her companion, her biggest support.

But my question sister is have you made room for it?

This seems like an odd question but the reality is that a lot of ladies haven’t.

Getting married is about so much more than going on fun coffee dates. That stuff is easy . The real test of a relationship comes when it’s time to step things up. Tensions rise, disagreements occur and you need to make sure you’re ready for the entire journey otherwise you’re going to find yourself falling at the slightest speedbump.

We lead very busy lives: we work, we work out, we socialise, we spend time with the family, we travel, we eat out, we shop, we bake, we pursue our hobbies and this is all fantastic stuff. In order to switch from that to married life there needs to be a bridge that can only be formed during the time you take to get to know each other.

I'm not saying that you can’t do all the stuff you love when you’re married but while you’re looking for marriage you need to make space for it physically and emotionally and it needs to be flexible space too.

Think about another life goal you may be working on. Let’s say fitness. You make a commitment. You buy the right foods, you make time to meal prep for the week, you go to the gym, you forfeit certain things because you know it will be worth it in the end. It feels uncomfortable and inconvenient at times but you stick with for the sake of the end result. 

However, when it comes to meeting your life partner we simply slot it in. We check the websites when we are exhausted and about to go to bed, we cancel dates if a family member needs something, we squeeze in phone calls in our lunch hours or on the way home, we skip weeks ahead into our diaries to find a possible Saturday when we don’t have other commitments in order to meet him for coffee.

If you want to get married you need to start making actual room for it…

1. Physical Room

Look at your schedule and be very honest with yourself, how much focused  time do you give your search? How often do you clear and block out undisturbed time to meet someone or chat on the phone with your full attention?  How much of your time is spent doing favours and errands for others that , in reality, could be done by someone else? How many weekends have you spent at other people’s family events or ferrying people back and forth to places in your car? By the time to you come to meeting new guys are you simply exhausted? Are you giving them half of your attention because you’re thinking of that cake you need to pick up for your nephew’s birthday afterwards?

Of course I’m not saying you rid yourself of all your responsibilities in the name of meeting a guy. I don't expect you to stop caring for a sick relative or leave your young  kids home alone while you go out! But just be mindful of how much other stuff is taking up your time and what kind of physical energy you bring to your marriage search as a result.

2. Emotional & Mental Room

Imagine you’re expecting an esteemed guest over to your house. Would simply let them arrive or would you tidy and declutter? Are your heart and mind full of similar clutter? Are you tripping over stuff that’s going round inside your head? Is the guy you meet going to have a hard time finding you amongst all the piles of newspapers, furniture and pizza boxes in your mind?

This is what happens when your heart and mind are cluttered. Things like pain from past relationships, negative self talk, fears about the future, discontentment in your current life, resentment towards those who have hurt you, anger towards your ex all count as mental and emotional clutter. Holding onto these is withholding marriage space from your potential spouse and not truly letting him in.

In between those initial heady first dates and the actual “I do” is a whole minefield for you to navigate. Things like disagreements, misunderstandings, adapting to each other’s ways, making mistakes, agreeing on things, speaking up about things. It’s up to you to make sure you are in the right place and have the right amount of physical and emotional space to successfully overcome the hurdles. 

Getting married should never feel like a chore or a second job. It should be something that you approach with a clear mind, energy and excitement because it has the potential to bring you so much happiness. Like your other life goals, it may not be easy but you make the concessions needed to reach it. 

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