In my entire 15 years of searching for a spouse there was one man who absolutely broke me.

Without going into too much detail so as to preserve his identity, it was possibly the worst experience in my whole search.

Up until then I’d faced so much rejection, disappointment and just generally being messed around by men who had no idea what they wanted or if they even wanted marriage at all.

I’d get talking to someone, it would go great then it would just fizzle out and I was so fed up of guys who said one thing but whose actions said something else

It felt like there was no one out there who was actually serious about marriage anymore,

Then along came a guy who was 101% dead serious about marriage! He talked about it right from the start and he made sure both our families knew we were in contact.

Yayyy finally!

Finally a guy who took action, was proactive and was taking actual steps towards marriage. I couldn’t believe I’d actually met someone who was serious about marriage and, despite what transpired between us, I still maintain he was one of the most sincere guys in his marriage intentions. So I went along with it.

The only problem was: he wasn’t right for me

There were so many glaring signs to show that we were incompatible and that I’d be deeply unhappy in this marriage if it went ahead.

For starters his parents didn’t approve of me because I was not of their cultural background. I knew this kind of thing was quite common and I figured that so long as we were both Muslim, eventually if would figure itself out.

But it went deeper than that. The guy in question informed me that in order to be accepted by his family I’d have to learn their language, learn how to cook their food, dress in their cultural dress and raise our kids in their culture only.

But even that wasn’t the most glaring thing wrong in all this. the worst part was…he agreed with his family!

On the topic of children, his family also had this notion that our kids would be defective in some way because I was over 30 and from a different cultural background (racist much?). They cautioned him that I’d become fat, old and ugly very quickly (I’m assuming their darling son had some kind of Dorian Grey type portrait in the attic keeping him eternally youthful).

His family were not the only issue.

Yes this man wanted to get married but he was also rude, childish and controlling. If things did not go his way he’d sulk. He told me I was boring him when I tried to share anything about myself. And he idolised his mother to a creepy extent where his motto was “mum’s way is the only way”.

And yet I went along with it.

Luckily fate intervened and we went our separate ways which was when the enormity of what I had allowed myself to go through finally hit me.

I couldn’t believe that my desire / desperation to get married had led me to such lows as to let myself be treated so disdainfully and disrespectfully by this man and his family. Back then people were telling me that this match was not right, that I’d be unhappy and that he was wrong for me. But it was like I’d developed a selective deafness to their warnings.

Such was my desperation to get married that I would have married a broom if it was serious about marriage!

All I could see back then was the word “MARRIAGE” like a neon buzzing light above a finishing line. A box I could finally tick. A way to show the world that I can get married too.

I’m so happy that things never worked out because I’d never have met, married, and most importantly recognised, the most amazing man in the world when he finally did come along!

In my work as a coach I regularly have conversations with ladies who say something along the lines of “I’ve met a guy, he seems great but he said/did xyz. I don’t know if I should pursue it”

When I get to the heart of the matter it turns out that this guy seems to be the only guy in the world she’s met who is ready to get married and she doesn’t want to let that slip through her fingers. Meanwhile she’s putting up with all kinds of atrocious behaviour hoping everything will sort itself out after marriage.

It won’t. It will get worse

Sister whoever he is he is not the last man on earth who is serious about marriage. What’s important is that you find a man who is serious about you not just serious about marriage in general.

A man who, like you, is serious about and committed to getting to know each other as your authentic selves, treating each other with kindness and respect and supporting each other in your life together.

Marriage is not a finishing line, it’s just the beginning of a new chapter. Make sure you choose a man who is right for you not simply ready for you.

Ready to make decisions from a place of power instead of fear?

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