The older you get the more likely it is that you are going to be meeting men with children as potential matches. Contrary to popular belief this is not a “step down” or a “consolation prize” that the older single woman has to simply accept. In my blog post The Merits Of Divorced Matches I talk at length about the need to move away from imagined hierarchies of match and to avoid seeing certain matches as “settling”. A man with children is an equally worthy match, you just need to go into the match with an open mind and open eyes.

Here are some questions to consider when getting to know a man with children

1. Who is the ex wife?

   Was she his childhood sweetheart, were they forced into marriage with each other or was it simply a lady he met and fell in love with? It shouldn't impact on your relationship but it does go a long way towards demystifying the ex.

2. What is the relationship like between her and your husband-to-be?

   Knowing what sort of terms they are on is useful because it helps you to support him when it comes to joint parenthood. If he has a negative relationship with her it means he will require a little extra support and kindness during those times when he has to interact with her. If he is on good terms with her it means that the children are likely to be more at ease knowing that they are not caught in the middle of fights.

3. Is she fair and just about how much time he spends with the children or does she make it difficult for him to see them?

   This is useful to know because it may actually impact your relationship. Some ex wives have been known to withdraw access to the children if the man remarries. That’s why it's important to find this out early on to avoid being in a situation where he is forced to break things off with you in order to have a relationship with his children

4. Where do the children live?

   If they live close by it means you may see them often and you may have shared responsibilities such as the school run, childcare or homework. If they live far away then it will mean you will have  to create quality time and a nurturing space  for them when they do visit. 

5. How much time do they spend with their father?

   Depending on the agreement and how far away they live some children spend the weekends or every other weekend and some see their fathers in the school holidays only. It is important to know how much of your daily and weekly life will be spent with the children in order to ensure that you are prepared and that you can also build in adequate time for just the two of you around their visits. 

6.  What are his financial obligations towards the children?

   Remember they are his responsibility and it is not for you to suggest how much he should or shouldn't be spending on them especially if there is a legal agreement in place. However, it is useful to have a conversation about how the two of you will manage the household finances so that you can feel reassured that he is able to manage his financial responsibilities towards his children and towards you.

7. How do they navigate things like school parents’ evenings and birthdays?

   This is important to know in order to be prepared. If they go to parents evenings together then you need to be OK with that and see it as a positive. If they get together for birthdays, find out what your role will be in these situations.

8. Does he want more children?

   This is a key question to ask. If his children are older he may not want to go through it all over again or it may be that he loves fatherhood and can’t wait to have more children. Avoid making any assumptions until you know for sure. If he categorically does not want more children but you do then this may not be a good match.  However, if there is scope for flexibility about the topic then don’t feel afraid to talk about it.

9. How would he see your role in their lives?

   Would he like you to share the parenting when the children are visiting or would he prefer to take the lead? Would he expect or allow you to deal with his child’s behavior or would he prefer to handle it himself? If he has daughters would he want you, as a woman, to support him like cramps, periods and bras or would he prefer his ex wife to deal with it?

This is not an exhaustive list of questions nor should you  sit and ask them all one sitting because it would literally be exhausting. However if you are both genuinely interested in marriage to each other then it’s important for both of you that you both know the expectations. Take time to get the information you need so you can both make an informed decision where everyone will feel heard and understood, the children included.

As someone who married a man with a daughter I can honestly say it's been one of the  most rewarding journeys  and I wouldn't change a thing. Yes it can be tough at times - parenting in general is tough - and yes you will make mistakes and you will need to make some sacrifices.

But the key thing to remember is that the children did not ask for any of this. They are not the enemy, they are not baggage and they are not in the way. They are simply trying to navigate the lives their parents have created for them. 

Children are a blessing no matter whose they are. If another woman is trusting you to be around her child and have a hand in raising her child then recognise that  that child is an amaanah for you and Allah swt has given you  such an amazing opportunity to bring love, care and happiness to the life of a young person.

Remember you are not marrying a man with children you are marrying a father and fathers have a depth of love, kindness and selflessness that cannot be put into words.

Are you considering marrying a man with children? Then I highly suggest you reach out to Alicia Krakso from The Stepmom Side. Not only is she an amazing stepmum coach she is also a beautiful soul and human being and will ensure you have the tools you need to navigate the wacky and wonderful world of blended families.

Want to know exactly what to ask and what to find out before marrying a man who is a father?

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