Sisters often ask me if there’s a sure fire way to tell if a guy has potential and is worth the time getting to know him. On the one hand it makes me feel a little sad that we are approaching the journey and our brothers in this way, making quick decisions on very early interactions without giving either party a chance to really get to know each other. However I also understand that over 30 you really don’t want to be spending months of your life with someone who is not serious about marriage or is not right for you.

Very often the tendency is to look for a guy who fits and matches your expectations, lifestyle and aspirations but that doesn’t always mean you are both a good fit together 

So today I want to encourage you to move away from the idea of him being “ a good guy” or someone who “has potential” and instead I invite you to consider you and the matches you meet and two components of union. I want you to think about both of you as part of a team or partnership and whether the match - not the man - is a good fit for both of you.

Here are eight indicators that indicate that the two of you are a great match together and have the potential to build an amazing relationship as husband and wife; 

1. You both feel accepted - After being rejected for so many silly reasons you want someone who is going to look past the things that seem to bother other guys and accept you for the amazing woman you are and the wonderful spouse you will make. A man who makes a good match will make you feel safe to be yourself just as you are and you will appreciate him exactly as he is. You won’t need to explain yourself, censor yourself or act differently for him to like you. You will very quickly feel comfortable around him. You won’t feel the pressure to always look and be your best and you’ll accept each others’ flaws without judgment. 

2. Your values are similar - What’s really going to keep you working together as a team throughout marriage are shared values. The values that need to be aligned are those related to the bigger things like religion, money, family and children. Shared values means shared goals. Your values don’t have to be exactly the same but they need to be on the same track. A good indicator is to imagine if tomorrow you were to die, would you trust him to raise your children with the values you'd want them to have? Morbid I know but a great indicator! He may tick all kinds of boxes but if your values are not matched then neither are you! 

3. You can call each other- What I mean by this is that with a good match  there are zero games! There’s no calculating who last messaged who, after how long and how many hours or days you should wait to message back . It feels safe for either of you to pick up the phone to call or message and neither of you feels awkward or like you’re being a nuisance. Equally, if he doesn’t answer his phone or reply to his text it doesn’t send you into a panic about being ghosted. You feel safe enough with him to know that everything is fine and he’s just not free right now. There’s consistency in the way you both communicate and it feels natural to talk to each other.

4. You feel unique - A good match is when you know each other as  individuals. For example he knows  what your favourite snack is, what drink you hate, that weird thing your boss said at the end of the meeting last week or that annoying friend you have who is always talking about her diet. You know about his love of anything chocolate orange flavoured, his favourite TV show as a kid or the way he picks the tomatoes out of his food. You both feel heard and understood. You never feel lonely in the relationship because you’re both actively getting to know the real person in each other. It never feels one-sided.

5. There is  action  In a marriage you want to be equal partners so both of you need to be making an effort from day one. A good match is when both of you are  actually making (not finding) time to call each other and communicate with each other. You make each other a priority in your lives rather than an afterthought. He makes actual plans to meet for a coffee this weekend or buys a travel ticket to come and meet you instead of talking on the phone for weeks without any intention to move forward. 

6. There is maturity  -   You are both  mature about the relationship. It will feel like two adults coming together to make something work. It won't feel like a game of cat and mouse or who has the upper hand, you will feel like equals and behave like grown ups in your relationship! When navigating the ups and downs there will be no pettiness or sulkiness from either of you. You will approach each challenge with maturity and experience and look for solutions rather than problems. 

So next time you set out to meet a new guy with your mental clipboard at the forefront of your mind I want you to shut down all systems and instead of sitting there figuring out whether he fits into the mould of what a husband should be, I want you to get curious about how you interact together and what kind of team you could potentially make. That’s the only potential that matters!

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