One of the cruelest things I hear is when people say that because someone is over a certain age their only option now is to marry a divorced person be it male or female.

And fundamentally it boils down to this belief that there is some kind of hierarchy of matches whereby someone who has never been married and doesn’t have children is top of the pyramid as opposed to someone who has been married before and maybe has children too is at the absolute bottom of the pit.

Why, as Muslims, do we feel it is appropriate to categorise the ummah this way especially given that our beloved Prophet saw married more than one woman who had previously been married?

As a single woman I am sure you have heard awful things being said about divorced sisters. Sometimes I feel like brothers are quick to follow the sunnah when it comes to things like growing a beard, using miswak or rolling their trousers above their ankles  but when faced with the prospect of  marrying a sister who has been married before suddenly they are above the example of the Prophet saw.

But what about the way sisters view divorced men? 

I’ve heard single sisters say things like “I’ve never been married before, why should a divorced man get me?” or “I've never been married before, he should be grateful to be with me”

And more heartbreakingly I hear sisters say  “if I marry a divorced man everyone will think  I have settled because of my age”

This is a whole mindset that needs a lot of work and I want to start scratching the surface today by debunking a few myths and offering you a different and more positive angle on why actually divorced men make the best spouses

Firstly I have found that brothers who have been married before are much more real about marriage. I often find that guys who have never been married can have a very narrow and limited, often fantastical view of marriage and are therefore super picky about who they will choose to fulfill that fantasy. Divorced brothers on the other hand have already lived through a marriage, they know the reality of marriage and they are ready for it. 

Secondly I have found that divorced men are much more committed to making their marriage work. They have more wisdom and they want their next marriage to be  a much better and more fruitful experience and are willing to put in the work and learn from their experiences.

And thirdly divorced men have a lot of experience and knowledge that can guide you. When I was single I was absolutely terrified of getting married then getting it wrong and making irreparable mistakes. When I first got married I freaked out about a lot of things that my husband was able to reassure me were totally normal in marriage. 

So now let’s debunk  some of the common fears and myths  I frequently hear about marrying a man who has been divorced:

1.“I don’t want to deal with his ex”. I am not going to lie, the ex exists and is something you need to consider but from a rational rather than emotional point of view. If you think about it by the time you are over 30,  most of the guys you meet will have had a significant ex at some point. So have you probably. But unless you get to know the guy and his unique situation and build trust and a relationship of your own, all of this is just hypothetical. No two situations are the same so if you meet a guy who is divorced and he seems nice, give him a chance to shine in his own right and not as “someone’s ex”

2. “I don’t want to deal with the baggage of a divorced man” . “Baggage” is one of those ugly words I absolutely detest when it comes to relationships and marriage. I prefer to reframe it simply as “experiences” as that is all  it is. Let’s face it by the time you're over 30 we all have “baggage” of some kind. Are you going to let that stop you from potentially marrying the right man for you? Everyone brings their past experiences, fears and anxieties to a marriage whatever their prior marital background. Divorced men - and women -  just have their own type of experiences and fears. Both sets of fears and anxieties are equally valid and should be respected in the context of each person’s life experiences rather than simply mislabelled as “baggage”

3. “If his previous marriage didn’t work out what’s to say ours will?”. There are two people in a marriage and this type of thinking places some kind of blame on him only for his previous marriage falling apart. Marriage takes hard work  and in this day and age more marriages are breaking up than ever. Until you know the particulars about his situation, withhold judgment.  If you get married, the two of you will be a different couple in your own right as he’s marrying a completely different person and, if he’s smart, he won’t make the same choices he may have made when he chose his first spouse. 

4. “I don’t want people to think I have settled” Let's consider these “people” for a second. Does what they think affect the love and respect you will get from your husband? No. Will they know the ins and outs of your relationship? No. Do they know what heartache you’ve already been through? No. Do they clean your house and pay your bills? No. Someone people will never have a nice word to say and their view of the world is not likely to ever change. Let them speculate all they wish. Your marriage will be no one's business. You will make a promise to your spouse in the eyes of the Almighty. Your marriage will be between you, your spouse and your Lord.

So next time you’re online and you see the word divorced, before your swipe left, take a look at his profile, see what kind of values he holds , see where you connect. He may just be the one you’ve been waiting for!

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